Ex sex? No, just texts

"Hey so I was just doing laundry and remembered that the last time I had sex was with you and I'm getting pretty frustrated so how about you come over today and we fuck and you can pick up whatever items you need for your apartment? Ok? Just let me know :-)"

No response from me.

"So it seems you are not down with the ex sex :-) "

No response.

"Damn the rest of my life with no sex...that's going to make me grumpy :-)"

OMFG!!!!! I can't even muster the sarcasm with which these texts should be mocked.

Oh wait, I can.

Yeah, how about I come over and we fuck. 11 years of horrible sex and feeling like I was being raped wasn't enough for you, we need to do it again?

How about I leave my fabulous boyfriend's warm bed and come visit you - no one has put me down or made me feel inadequate lately, I'm missing being not good enough for my partner.

And maybe if you learned how to please a woman, you wouldn't have to be alone and grumpy the rest of your life.

Or maybe I can just feel sorry for you and buy you a subscription to Barnyard Babes or something.

Nah, you're not even worth that.

Mixing metaphors

"If you want us to deal with kids and the house in a polite and effective manor you should keep your smart ass mouth on a leash."

Okay, I'll just blog about your dumbass texts. I'd like an effective "manor," it would be better than the apartment I fled to when I left you.

And how does one leash a mouth, anyway? Shouldn't I use a muzzle instead?

Or maybe handcuffs to prevent me from texting back? Actually, that would work for him. But then where would this blog be?

You're so annoying when you text me

"Your so cute when you're mad"

And what about that grammar, anyway? There's no rule against using the same "you're" twice in the same sentence, really!

I'll be waiting with baited breath...not

"You are still the last...if that ever changes I'll let you know"

How do I opt out? I don't really need to know if or when he ever has sex again.

Too much to say

"You know how I was always bitching about gut pains it's was chest pains that I was having. I've been having baby heart attacks and I'm seeing the best cardiologist in Colorado and he doesn't know what's going on. I'm on a very high prescription for blood pressure but my heart rate is still through the roof and I've been dropping pounds like no tomorrow. It just sucks I know I'm never going to get to know J*** or be there for D***. S*** wants me to give over custody well he is still young he already lost a little sister which was very fucked up S*** knew the baby was going to have problems and still built his little heart up that he was going to have a little sister and it died two weeks after she was born then she left me to explain death to him. I'm not going to die unless they can't get my heart rate down. I'm sure they will figure something out but for right now it's putting a great deal of stress on the rest of my organs. There's not a day that gos by that I don't think about how bad I fucked shit up. I know it. I know I'm a peace of shit for not being there."

Um....'nuff said.

Kinda creepy

"You looked really cute in your glasses this morning :-) "

And later in that text thread (where I obviously ignored this comment)....

"I love you"

And even later...

"Goodnight sweetheart"

I really hope this isn't the beginning of a horror movie, because I know it won't end well for me!

We are soooo mature

"You are a poopyhead."

Well, you have cooties! Are you really wasting my life texting me something that my children wouldn't even say?

Oh and my response..."Yeah well you're suicidal."

Oh yeah, it's awesome alright!

My ex agreed to watch the kids for me one night. I sent him a text at the end of that totally reasonable conversation that said, "Awesome, thanks."

His response:

"It's 'awesome' that you and I have reduced my life to a constant state of crippling depression and loneliness manifesting in me going to bed at 9 pm every night and then still having to drag myself out of bed each morning when I would rather just lay there as long as it takes for my heart to stop beating...it's 'awesome'"

Wow. Laying the guilt on thick, are we?

Oh, that's why you don't pay child support!

"I'm fucked because I'm in financial ruins. I hope all is well. I'm with out a home this time."

Well, your son is without a biological father. But I hope all is well, too.

Isn't it ironic?

"I'm so sorry I'm fucked right now. I'm sorry for fucking it all up sorry for the text just getting up Alanis Morissete popped up just wanted to say I know I fucked up and missed out on J*** and lied to myself"

Huh? This is from a biological father who hasn't been involved in his 10-year-old son's life at all. The text is about as ironic as Alanis' song, which is to say, not at all...but a great example of a drunk text from an ex!

A non-sequitur

My text: "I hate it when you don't know the plan, even though it's been well-communicated."

His response: "I hate it when you divorce me and I can't hold you or kiss you anymore."

Oh, you kill me

"Being sober brings a whole new perspective I was much more likely to kill myself accidentally before but now I'm more likely to do it on purpose"

My response: "Stop that. Your children love and need you. Don't go there."

And his: "Yeah but you don't"

Guess I was wrong

From my ex-husband, months after we divorced:

"You promised me that I would be the only one you would kiss for the rest of yor life...how am I supposed to believe anything you say from now on?"

Happy Halloween

"Feeling like I wasn't good enough for you will haunt me for the rest of my life"

Well, your stupid texts will apparently haunt ME for the rest of MY life!

No, I didn't stop to think

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe I'm jealous of you? Yes you, not so much of A*** but of you because two weeks after us separating you find a super fun boyfriend and I've got nobody...and you don't understand that most women around our age are either married with children or single and still thinking they will have their own someday, both of which makes me alone...Yes I'm jealous you are happy and I'm not and now because of your insecurity and insensitivity to talking with me about the kids meeting A*** I'm single and have even fewer friends"

So...yeah. Because I didn't tell you, Mr. Crazy Ex, that I was introducing our kids after six months of dating to my boyfriend, you lost friends? Logic is hard, let's go shopping.